would it be my fault?

i can't believe it

i just can't

i love him more than i have ever thought possible
i look forward to his every call
i hang on every word he says
every word

i'm so proud of us
so. very. proud.

i was so scared...

but we did it

we're doing it

it's working

i'm so incredibly lucky
who am i to deserve these feelings?
....to deserve the love of this beautiful boy...

he is my everything
...my hero

he's so strong... so brave
he loves me.

i love him back....
i always will

Enough

I'm not perfect
not even close really....

but I don't claim to be.

My feelings can be hurt
I have feelings

I try to be the best I can be
I'm really trying to make myself proud

and to me.... I've been doing a good job

I can't control other people
I'm just not that amazingly magical
I wish I was

I've never really had a lot to offer
just my heart

Over the past few months
I've really started to trust myself
and because of that
It hurts not to be trusted

maybe I'm just not good enough.

Your erotic cabaret...

is non stop..



i remember the night
when i held you in the water
and everything was perfect

your body was so warm
and you fit so perfectly
i knew it wouldn't be the same

my breath on you neck
and your arms over mine

i go back to then
close my eyes
and smile.

there was no baggage
nothing but you and i

that is how i feel about you
i can work through anything
hold on forever

all it takes is a twist of the ring on my finger
and a few seconds to close my eyes
and feel you

it doesnt make sense
but who says it has to?
this is new
you're helping me learn

the thought of you ignites something
deep inside of me
that i did not know existed

but it does.

i will wait.

You're wearing too many belts.....

and I bet they leave welts...

mmm.


so I've been here for a week now... and it's pretty much been a good week.
I've gotten some things worked out for school, which is definitely good.

I have been chillin on capitol hill a whole bunch, and it's pretty much awesome
my college couldn't be in a better area.
I got a tattoo there the other day... hurt like a biotch, but it looks pretty fuckin hot.

haha.... we keep seeing drag queens and like.... just plain queens.
it's super funny, and keeps life interesting.
trent has nothing to worry about.

I got like... assaulted by this SUPER FAB queen last night... he had like corn rows, and a giant gut... and was all about the wrist flick... he called me hunny, and kept asking if I was "family"... totally didn't get it until rachel explained it to me... he like, told my friends (who were trying to save me) to shut up... and kept telling me how cute I was.. I started to laugh really hard, thanked him, and walked away... quite the experience.. haha

then later... ashley decided it would be cool to go up to some guys car on the road, and like... tell him she thought he was cute, and give him her number..... does that scream "hooker" to anyone else?.. haha, it was cute though, she's like 5 feet tall.

I'll just rack that up to all of the fun nights I've been able to spend here. Yeah, it's hard to be without trent... but his phone calls cheer me up, and we've got a generally amazing relationship that everyone and their grandmother should be jealous of.... hell, even their grandmother's toy poodle should be jealous of this.... haha, I love him, and that's all that matters..

boo.... school just needs to start.
we move in on Saturday (3 days, yo)

living here makes you question everyones gender... I am wrong about whether someone is a man or a woman about 90 percent of the time.... haha... I should totally be better at this.

yay for being poor!!! haha.




dominatrixsupermodelbeautyqueen.. hella?

i promised

so here's the recap.

his name is Trent, and I'm crazy in love with him... so we'll start there.

he came down from his house to janesville... and met me at my place.
and we went to culvers for some dinner
then we went to see "the descent"... scared the crap out of me.. but all I could think about was how much i liked him

then we went and broke into rockport pool to skinny dip
we kissed in the deep end for the first time.. and i knew right then and there.. that this was different
then we layed on a blanket under the sky until 5 a.m..

and then... i knew how much different this was
we had sex, and it was better than I could have ever imagined

and i knew that i had fallen in love with him

he left, and all i could think about was him... i walked around in this daze...
i knew what it was like to be in love
in love... such a crazy thing

he convinced me to talk to my mother
so we talked... about him... about my feelings
about what i've been doing... about how much i love him
she wanted to meet him

he came down on wednesday night
we went to madison to meet his friends.. and i loved them
then we spent the night at my place... and i fell asleep in his arms
in the morning... we left to see his family

i loved them... and i had such a great day with all of them
then we went to his apartment alone for the night
and that night... was amazing.

the next day we spent with my family at Mt. Olympus....
it was so great, my family loved him so much
and i had a great day, the best day i can remember
i loved him even more.

at the end of the day... we ran into some idiots
but he held my hand.. and was proud of me, of him, of us
it meant so much... i couldn't even take it

that night we spent at my place...
i held him, watched him sleep
loved him all the more

the next morning... in the shower
i told him i loved him
i held him
he said i back....
i gave him a ring that has "daniel loves trent" engraved on the inside

i saw him again the monday before i left
i drove to pick him up
we came back to janesville for my brother's birthday
it was so good to see him with my family

we went back to his apartment, and went to dinner with his sister and friends
we layed together in his bed for the last time
took a shower, and i was just so happy to be with him again
i left

now i'm in seattle.... and i know i can make it
i love him so much, i can do this
i would never do anything to hurt him
ever

his calls make me happy... his voice is all i need
this is what it feels like to find your true love
i'm so happy

cheerio

he's my blue dinosaur.


this is my last post from this house
my last post from wisconsin... at least for a bit.

I'm overwhelmed... but I think I'm finally packed up to leave for seattle.

I'm leaving at about 4... so in approximately 2 hours.

last week was amazing... i was pretty busy with trent.

I don't want to leave him... but i have to.... and the fact that even he tells me that i have to leave... makes me love him even more.

yeah... it moved fast... but if you could feel even a tiny bit of how i feel when i'm with him... you would understand why.

I'm happy that i trust myself fully to wait for him... i know i wont even be tempted otherwise.

I'm just scared that he can't do the same.... but i tell myself that he feels the same way about me.. and that he wouldnt hurt me.

I'll be back as soon as I can get here... and looking forward to that moment, is keeping my chin up.

I'll go into more detail about the past week when i get settled in a little in seattle... until then, you all should know the digits...

this definitely isn't goodbye.

i don't want to wait

I can't understand.... this doesn't happen to me.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to leave you, my heart is ripped in half

this feeling isn't a word
you cannot describe it

you touch me, and my body ignites
you smile, and I'm the happiest I've ever been
I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, I'd die first.

what did you do to steal my heart?
it isn't mine anymore... it belongs to you
keep it.

everything inside of me is screaming, tearing
telling me to stay here, give it all up for you
and the thing is
I want to... I know this..... what we have
is amazing...

this is what songs are written about
what stories are made of
this is unbelievable.
this doesn't happen to me.

so i guess... I'm all yours.
my heart wont have it any other way

I can hold out for you
wait as long as it takes
but thinking about it makes me cry
I don't want to wait.........

My Best Friend Goes to Bible College

I didn't write in your yearbook this year... so... consider this "my page"

you came to me when I needed you the most... when I couldn't really fall much farther... you picked me up with a smile and a laugh... and you've been holding me ever since.

trust me, it's not you that needs me
it's always been me that has needed you..

a best friend is something i suppose i never really understood. I can't say that I've ever really had one until you... I call you when i'm bored, just to sit on the phone in silence

beauty is measured in many ways
the most lovely of which, is the beauty of the heart.
and for this reason,
you are the most beautiful of all.

Its hard to think of a day going by when you will not be meeting me for lunch... or falling asleep on my bed.. watching early morning cartoons.. lol

I've watched you grow into this... this beautiful woman.. right before my eyes. You have taught me so much about so much... and for that reason... I suppose I can never lose you. You will always be right here... right with me... in my heart... my hopes... my dreams...
you've given me so much, by just being you... by just listening
I watch you every day in amazement... you stand up for who you are
you seem to know so much about who you are
i guess you're my hero.

I know you're strong enough to do anything you want
you just need to believe in yourself.. like i do

so when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
then you'll finally know the truth
the a hero lies in you.

you'll always have me
because I love you
and I could never forget how much you have touched my life.

Harder

than I thought.


Boo... sorry about the lack of postage.. I've been pre-occupied..
hella...

I just bought my ticket to Seattle... a one-way trip.. I'm leaving on the night of the 5th (of Septiembre that is)
I'm pretty excited I suppose.. Going to school should be a blast... and I know I'm going to love it..
It's just difficult to leave my brothers, and Kristin, and John....

He said he'd visit me.. I hope he does.

I can't sleep lately..... I'm beginning to realize that this happens a lot... whenever I have a lot going on... no sleep for daniel.

SUCKS!

But I've been hitting up the gym a lot more.... to keep my mind off of things...
it puts me in a good mood.


Have you ever had that feeling.... when you know something is right? You don't know quite why, or how it came to be like this... but you just know it's right.... It's all you've wanted ever since it started (even if there was a giant obstacle right in the middle) and once you finally get over that obstacle.... you realize how much it was worth it... to have this...

i guess thats how i feel

FUCKIN PORTLAND

so my first flight to portland was delayed...
so I missed my flight to Seattle...

and now i'm stuck in the portland airport for 3 hours.

joyous.

You've got wits,

You've got looks,
you've got passion,
but I swear that you've got me all wrong

I'll be true,
I'll be useful,
I'll be cavalier,
I'll be your's my dear
and I'll belong to you if you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating

This is wonderful as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all my life"

For so long I thought I was asylum bound
But just seeing you makes me think twice
And being with you here makes me sane
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"





I wish you were brave enough...

A Pupae? SUPA DUPA

haha... early morning cartoons are the shit.

Sooo, my grad party was on Sunday... and it went rather well. LOTS of people came... and there was lots of food, and it was a good time.. I made about 900 bucks, which was pretty stellar.

Still havent got anything from my pops or vicky....
and i don't expect anything from my skank mother.

sooo... since i had some money... I BOUGHT MY TICKET... for the end of this month I will be in seattle from the 30th till the 2nd... for orientation, it shall be glorious.

I gave my manager the store numbers for the pier ones in seattle... and he called them to make sure i have a place to work when i get to school...
my last day at work here will be september 11th... random? yeah

I'm getting my hair dyed today... and probably a little bit cut...
yay!... hopefully it will look good.

I'm probably going to see John tonight..... his back hurts, and I wish I could do something to make him feel better... he's going to the doctor today... so hopefully they can fix him :)... I like having him at full health when we hang out... :) he's so amazing.

kribby is back... and i missed her SOOOOOOO much... she got me a pretty sweet moose shirt from canada, and I love it. :) she bought her dad some bling... and it gave me a blingasm... haha
last night... me, kristin, and anna sat in her car and had a reeeealllly long talk, and i think it was pretty much kick ass..

anna is pretty cool... and I'm glad she doesn't judge people.

well... peace out fools

Skanks

Dude... I just got off of work... and I'm hella sore.

Yesterday, after I left work, I went straight to the Y..... when I was about to go downstairs, Vanessa and Brianna sidetracked me, and we all decided to go boating.

So we went boating... which was... HELLA SWEET, we went tubing and I worked on my tan and such... and then I tried my hand at wakeboarding

which is.. A LOT HARDER
than you would think...
and my arms hurt... LIKE HELLA

whatev, I was gonna work upper body anyways.

Kristin gets back today... but she gets back a lot later than I though she was going to.... which means that my fireworks plans are not working.

John is coming tonight (as far as I know)... and Kristin was supposed to join us and possibly my little brothers for a fireworks bonanza... WOO!

but yeah, I'm hungry..

I hold in my hand

a flower star
which I plucked from the garden sky
with the intention of sharing it with you..............



I'm in a thoughtful mood.
no, I'm tired.

I'm tired of this...of this day to day bullshit... something is missing, and i just cant put my FUCKING finger on it..... at times, it pisses me off.

I lay here, watch T.V. , and just think...
and thinking is highly overrated... I don't know what I'm thinking... there are so many things that are running through my head....I think about Seattle, I think about work, I think about myself.., I think about sex.... and everything and everyone that comes with it...

I want to get to Seattle... I just want to effing get there... I'm tired of bringing drama wherever I go.... why can't people just NOT talk about me...I mean... seriously, chill the fuck out... I don't know what I'm going to do to prevent it from following me to school in the fall, but I'll figure it out.

Everyone in this area knows EVERYONE... wtf.... I do NOT want to have sex with you people.. I don't find it attractive that you're all TRASH .. you all are NOT as attractive as you think you are... ew, effing sick.... I need to get the hell out of Wisconsin

I am going to miss very few people... am I cold hearted? yeah.. get the hell over it

GAH! I hate homos... all of you stupid queeny boys... leave me the fuck alone... I have dealt with PLENTY of super homo queens.. trust me.., if I wanted that, I would still be with it.... you don't have a CHANCE IN HELL.... so give it up

I want dark hair... I just buzzed my hair... and I wanted to dye it dark, but I caved and stayed blonde again.... BOO!

this place is nice... things are fine I guess... John is perfect

I want another tattoo really bad...I'll get it before I leave


I pulled this flower star from the garden sky
and now I place it in your hands...........

This table has taken a turn for the worst.

Rock bottom and over the edge
well it's not like it hurts that much anyway.
Upside down and inside out.
When I leave here I'm going alone.
Well it's not like it, not like it hurts much anyway

I'm sick... and it sucks.. because it sucks to be sick.. but it also sucks because my ilness is preventing me from seeing the person that I want to see the most right now.. boo.

I partied a lot this weekend.. and that was fun.. some VERY interesting things happened on Saturday night... and I can't write about them on here, but rest assured... you're missing out on some Grade A gossip...

haha.....

I'm getting muh hurr did in a little bit.. and I'm sort of excited.. hopefully it will look amazing.. speaking of hairs... My friend Meg cut/colored/styled Kristin's sister's hair, and it looks amazing.. (but anna is amazing anyways)

Kristin is in Canada... BOO!.. that's about all i have to say about that.

Seattle is rapidly approaching... and I'm starting to get slightly nervous.. I mean, I'm going away.. far away from everything I have ever known... I'm excited to meet new people, see new places.... be the new guy.. but I guess i just get nervous sometimes.. :-/

boo.

I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar....

Than be broken by a lover I don't understand.....
'cause I don't understand..

you know i've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind


I went to see John last night... and it was utterly amazing in every form of the word. I forgot how much I missed him, and how much I love being with him. I forgot how beautiful he was.

We watched hockey (our team lost... sucks)... and talked about everything.... It seems he knows some new guy who keeps asking him rather suspicious questions... and if my assumption is correct... it's really funny. ha.

Then we went to bed... and watched some south park and whatnot... and we had been in his room for about an hour when the police knocked on his door... random?
Well John comes back from talking to the officer, and pulls a shotgun out from under his bed and loads it... why?.... because the officer told him that some guy had been snooping around outside of his house, trying to look into the windows... WTF!!?
I have my own assumptions as to who it is, based on some other information we talked about... and if it's true.... it's not only funny, but this person is more fucked up than I thought.. haha.

Then we talked for a while longer, and he fell asleep in my arms... beautifulness. :)

*almost forgot.... Rau called me last night in her man voice... and it was amazing*

I had an amazing night... with an amazing person, and I can't wait to go back.

mood? SUPER PSYCHED!

This battle

is taking a turn for the worse....

Wow... there is so much that has happened in the last few days, it's insane....

I have been partying my ASS off... and loving it.. I haven't stopped partying since I graduated.... and I think it's time to take a break..
We're going out tonight, so I figure I'll wait until Wednesday to settle down.

HELL.. I'm moving to Seattle at the end of the summer... and it's so much fun to be crazy for a while... I deserve it. I've been having a great time with all my new found freedom... chilled with a few people... but that's all that I want right now...

Doesn't mean I'm opposed to chillin with the same person for the whole summer..... wellllllll haha..

I have been meeting so many amazing new people lately... and I almost can't handle it.. I didn't know this many nice people existed in the world...

I'm thinkin of visiting John tomorrow.... and I'm super psyched.... should have been with him all along.

gradu-what!?

GRADUATION!

So, I graduated yesterday... and it pretty much kicked so much ass that I can't even handle it.

Yesterday morning we had "rehearsal" at like 11:30 at Monterrey. So our friend John had all of us meet at his house, and walk together. Well the place filled up pretty quickly, and we all sat there in John's living room chillin and talkin about the year and trash talkin the trash....it was beautiful.

Then we all walked to Monterrey, and sat on the bleachers and whatnot. The sun was BLAZING the entire morning of the "practice"... and it was the most ridiculously long thing I have ever experienced...
Our entire class got sunburnt... it was glorious.

Then Kristin, Tiffany, and myself all went to the Olive Garden for lunch. This was our little celebration for ourselves... I mean, we were actually graduating... Kristin and Tiffany decided to fill me in on all of the people who talk about having sex with me.... interesting eh?

So after that... Kristin and me went to the mall to GET MY NEW PHONE.... it's pretty much a beautiful thing. Since I got a credit card a while back, it seems I have good enough credit to get my own 2 year plan and whatnot.... so that was super exciting... I needed a new phone for Seattle anyways.... and my new phone is pretty much beautiful... it's this black razor thinger... and I really havent figured it out yet... but I'm working on it.

Then I got back to the house..... and the lady I live with gave me 100 DOLLARS... wtf?... and then her mom gave me 25 bucks.... holy crap... that's so effing nice. I showered, got ready.. blah blah.. then Kristin came over and we took pictures of us and whatnot... then we BOLTED to graduation.

The Graduation ceremony went well... I sat next to Bolinski and Leslinator... pretty much kicked ass.. Then afterwards I was walking back into the building.. and NOAH and JON gave me high fives... I almost cried... it was amazing. Then I got back to the huddle of people, and took pictures and things. My step-mother came with Dillon and Alex... along with my father and my G-ma...so I took pictures of them.. and my Grandma gave me 100 bucks... pretty sweet.
I found Jon and Noah and hugged them and took pictures of them.. (Noah lost his first tooth!).. and my mother was there with her husband... they didn't say a word to me... I bet it was best that way.

And then... I turned and saw him.. I had asked him to come... but for some reason I doubted he would be there... John came... The amazing person that IS John (not the crazy John... the beautiful John)... he was just standing there waiting for me. So I walked over to him and he gave me a big hug..... I was so happy to see him. He had to leave early, so I hugged him goodbye and went off to finish pictures.

THEN he called and joined Kristin, Anna, Abby, and some asian girl at Culvers.. afterwards we talked by his car... he's still just as nice as he has always been.... He made my day... :-)

After Culvers, Kristin and me picked up some friends to hang with, and proceeded to have a great end to the night of graduation..

good day... :)

In a nutshell

J-Will someone please call a surgeon, who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that you're deserting.... for better company.
I can't accept that it's over, and I will block the door like a goalie tending the net.. in the third quarter, of a tied game rivalry..
So, just tell me how to make it right..... I swear I'll do my best to comply.

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together...

D-I feel I must interject here, you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions, and gaps in history..... so let me help you remember, I'll make charts and graphs that should finally make it clear... I've prepared a lecture, on why I have to leave.
So, just back away and let me go....

J-I can't my darling, I love you so... oh oh

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together...

D-Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures...

J-I know that I have made mistakes... but, I swear I'll never wrong you again.

D-You've got a lure I can't deny.... but, you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye.



It's a song... but I think it pertains.

Good day

Alright... so it is Saturday... which means that I have the entire day to do as I please.

Yesterday was my last day of school....and although I expected it to be this big, amazing feeling... it wasn't. I don't even feel like I'm finished.
And I fought with Kristin.. and that always makes me feel like crap...

We fight about stupid things.... and normally it's just because one of us is really stressed out.

This time I think we both were.

I GOT MY STUFF FROM THE CRAZY BOY!!!

sure, I had to call the police....but the important thing is that I got my stuff.
and I never,
ever,

EVER

have to talk to him again....... such a good feeling

I really need to take a shower..

and then I am going to my cousins grad party... woot!

and there is this person... who is generally amazing...
and makes me really happy... :)
so hopefully that works

Relief

WOW...

it feeeeels so good. So amazingly good.

a weight is off of my shoulders forever.

driving back was the best feeling ever... almost insane.



and then if that wasn't enough.. the rest of the night rocked.

FINALLY DONE WITH THIS

My new life.

You know what?

I'm almost done with high school... that means I never have to go back there ever again.

And I am going to college, in Seattle to be exact.... which couldn't be more amazing.
I'm so excited to get out of here, and start my new life.

:)

I still have not been sleeping too amazingly.. but I'll get over that in time.
My new place is pretty much awesome.... and my bed is perfect for 2 people.

Over the last few days I've been hanging out with some new people (as well as Kristin... duh). And they pretty much kick butt... last night was... interesting to say the least..

sooo... things are good.... life is nice.. :)

Please...

Seriously... this is a beautiful thing..

lets all go to the pity party :) I'm sure it will be a good time..

that is one thing I will never miss.... among others.

So far things are going alright.... they would be better if I could actually sleep at night (it's been 3 days now), and if I had all of my stuff.

actual text message:
"So i like how you are out with another Boy Already..probably cheated on Me with him too..well now i Am Mad and i Am burning All your stuff"



Moving on.

I went and got some more stuff from my mother's house... to bring here.. I saw my little brother.. and he was adorable.... and I miss him a ton..


boo.

Days go by

So I broke up with John

Shocking eh?

Well.. it hadn't been going well for about... well a long time.... and it had to be done, I just kept putting it off.

I am an insanely private person... and that's just who I am in my real life.... I'll tell you just so much, and then the rest is mine to keep.
I am INSANE about people going through my things... don't do it, and we wont have problems...
Sounds easy enough?
not for JOHN

I stopped being able to trust him not to go through my things..... and he was never sorry for looking through my phone... he even called my voicemail and listened to those.... that is grounds for me never talking to you again... but for some reason... I stayed with him.

He never let me hang out with anyone, convinced that I would not be able to stop myself from fucking them or something..... idiot.

So last Saturday (it's Tuesday today) we got in an argument.. and he decided to threaten to break up with me or something... (please...) "This isn't working Dan" was his usual way of trying to get me to apologize for things that I didn't do wrong.
Well.... yeah, it wasn't working... so I broke up with him, packed my shit, and left....

Stayed at a random place for the first night...

and now I live here..

My room is big... I have a huge closet... the bed is huge...

but..

My bed is too big, this house is too quiet.... the sheets are too perfect.. the pillows are too soft.... I haven't slept for two nights...
All I need is someone to sleep next to me...
So the hunt is on.

Frustrated

I can't believe she's going to college there.

That place, just isn't her.... it's just not. I KNOW who she is, she LOVES God... I love that about her, she is never ashamed or embarrased to give her opinion about religion... I admire the love she has for God, I admire the fact that she goes to church so much, and I love her morals...

But this place just IS NOT HER...

no movies? what the hell is that, I'm pretty sure if God was here, He would let me watch movies, He would let her wear pants, He would let her hilight her hair, He would let her hold my hand in public, He would let me stay with her

He wouldn't care if she pierced her ears, and He wouldn't care if she had tattoos... He would see how much she loves him, and how much she believes, and how much He is a part of her life...

She is going to change.... she is going to leave me to go to this place... and she is going to change everything about her, all of her little quirks that I love are not going to be accepted there... she is going to be a different person..
and I, I am going to be the same..... and when she comes back, she won't like me, and I won't like what she has become...
She'll pity me for being who I am, and she'll think I am not worthy
and I'll pity her for changing everything about herself... just to fit in

I can't believe I'm losing her forever.

BUH!

If I could bring myself to break up with him..... I would..

I should.

The one color I look best in.....

blue....

Wow it's been a long time.... and I am not sure my life is even worth writing about.. but I figure it might make me feel better.

I read up on my last posts... and since then

• I stopped living at my ex-girlfriends house
• I have a boyfriend
• I live with him
• My family still deserves nothing but horrible things
• My best friend is Kristin Heesen (still)
• We went to Ohio for Spring Break
• I got a second job at Coldwell Banker
• I got accepted to Seattle University
• I will be going

It is Easter Sunday and I am all alone. It's difficult to deal with the fact that I am alone. I did nothing to these people. My mother deserves nothing but bad things in life.... she will get what is coming to her... because that is how things have to work.

The other day... Kristin, John, Lauren, and myself decided to go to my mother's house and watch SNL. My mother is away in Arizona.. but my sister is staying at the house so that she can smoke as much pot as physically possible..... Well while we are silently watching the television, it decides to blow.. my sister then blames it on me, calls my mother and tells her I am having a huge drinking party... and then just get this bitchy look on her face.

My mother talks to me on the phone, trys to make me think that I'm going to have to pay for this T.V. (bitch, please)... and then tells me to get my shit and get the fuck out of her house....

Why do I try anymore?........

I don't feel cute anymore... and I miss the independent feeling of single life. I miss the spark of meeting someone new, that lightning first kiss.... the excitement of not being able to keep your hands off of each other.. I have been with John since July 21st... that's a long time... there are times when I just don't know what I'm doing.

I think I'll keep writing in here... and keep it a secret... it can be just for me.